One of the best experiences of my life, taking part in the The Complete Freedom of Truth was one of my highlights last year. Being surrounded by beautiful people and growing as a youth leader was truly amazing – I couldn't wait for the next stage.
I expected it to be a joyful, wonderful journey, full of love, re-connections and great artistic works, but that hasn't been the case. I should know better than to have expectations, because life is always full of surprises, curve balls, ways of letting you down.
Instead of the happiness I expected, I encountered sadness, pain and frustration. And the question was, why? Why wasn't I happy among the family I'd integrated into last year? Why did I now feel so out of place? Why were my emotions running haywire?
I wanted to isolate myself, staying in the darkness and ugliness, far away from the beautiful people who exuded so much light. There's no way I would let them see me cry.
No longer doing what I was supposed to do, feeling useless in the process, when I knew that I had so much to give. The question then came, why wasn't I writing pieces for the blog or getting others involved in the blogging process? All I could do was write poetry to express the sadness felt inside.
I soon realised, I was on an emotional detox, all my pent up pain sweating out after the shock and loss of the past five months. I finally had the time to slow down, properly grieve, which came as a surprise to me. Although I was still processing everything, I thought I was okay, but the heart is such an unpredictable thing.
Last year, for me, TCFT was about growing, but this year it's been about healing. Healing my heart and healing my connection with writing, which has slightly been lost. I've still got a way to go and going home won't be easy, but the love I've experienced is irreplaceable and more than anything, I've embraced my truth.